le sigh

Hello everybody. So, it's been quite a while since I've updated. Four months to be exact. Not too much to update about, really. Uhh, Chazz and I aren't together anymore. Pretty sad since all my previous posts were mostly about him. I may have to get rid of those. I read all my posts before I started writing this one. I hate thinking about how happy I used to be. I don't like thinking about how excited we were to move up in life and live in our own little place together. But, I've been trying to move forward in my life. Looking SO hard for a job. I can't even believe how hard it is. I've applied at the Grand America Hotel, Harmon's (3 different ones), Discover Card, Verizon Wireless and..I believe that's it? Ugh just hoping so much that I get one of those. I've been hanging out with my best friend Alexa a lot more now. She recently moved into a cute house right by me. I love her girlfriend so much. She treats Alexa so well! It almost seems like I get sad, though, the longer all three of us hang out. They can always keep me laughing and smiling but, deep deep down inside there's a little seed of sadness that sprouts a little bit more when I see them kissing or when they say I love you. It's strange, really. I'm usually not shy at all to talk about my feelings or say something's wrong or to cry. But, this time...I keep trying to bury my feelings about this. I guess that says something, though. If Alta isn't expressing her feelings, something's definitely wrong. I even feel like I'm being too revealing on this blog..and I don't think ANYBODY is reading this right now. Blah. I've been having a lot of guys coming around and trying to get with me or tell me their feelings and it's like..fucking no. Like, I can't even handle this random attention right now. I feel like I sound like a complete pussy bitching about my life. I'm never like this! My life just feels..wrong now. I can handle being alone all the time but, it's the feelings I'm having that are bringing me down. I don't need to depend on another person for my life to be great. But, when someone so special just walks out of your life, it's like a piece is missing. I don't have anyone to run to anymore, or anyone to worry about. I don't even have anyone to laugh with. I feel like I've disconnected (slightly) from my family. I'm know I'm not depressed. This update isn't like some little cry for help. I just need to get my feelings out into words. And, I'm not comfortable just talking people's ears off about MY problems. My problems are nothing compared to other people's problems. I just don't know what to do. I would wait until the end of the world for Chazz but, at the same time, I refuse to be someone's second choice. I refuse to be settled for. I just want someone to want me enough that they won't let go. Because it seems to happen every time something is going well.